so, this trial was a complete shitshow but only towards the end. the beginning didn't seem so bad. sure, they had plenty of evidence and got hyper focused on things that didn't seem to matter. they convicted someone who was not only innocent but actually helpful in his own way. she ran into one terrible memory into another terrible memory....
she hates it. she hated it so much. ( but of course she had to go see kano. )
izumo will be red in the face and a mess of tears that she doesn't even bother wiping away anymore as she stands outside of kano's ( and claude's ) room like some fool. it doesn't matter. she's a mess and hasn't been honest about anything. she doesn't even know why she's here when she can't get in. ]
It isn't a surprise that he wouldn't show up right away. It's no secret that Claude has his relations and he gets around a bit. He wasn't too far away though so it doesn't take long for him to show up. He sees Izumo and he slows, quieting his steps and wondering if this is one of those situations where he should turn around and pretend he didn't see anything (while remembering that he did).
But if she's in front of their door, she must want something so he steps forward, placing one hand on her shoulder and reaching over to open the door for her. )
Come inside.
(Like he's giving her a choice... because he's already gently pushing her inside, giving her shoulder a squeeze.)
[ claude wouldn't even have to dampen his steps around her, she doesn't hear anything around her until he places a hand on her shoulder just after opening the door. where she would normally put up a fight and offer some level of protest, she simply allows herself to be ushered in.
she's still sniffling uselessly for a moment before she speaks up. she had wanted to say something before all of this. meant to talk to him about other things but now they all just seem either too important but not important enough to compete against the most recent news. ]
(He doesn't really have anything for her to use to wipe her face with and honestly, he thinks fussing so much might make things worse. Instead, he just gently guides her over towards his pod, sliding away whatever screen or curtain is in place and tries to get her to sit.)
Do you wanna talk? (He'll just crouch down in front of her, giving her space,) It's alright if you don't want to.
[ fussing would, in fact, make things worse but not marginally like it would previously if only because she has a million things on her mind all of a sudden and nothing makes sense. ]
I don't even know what I want to say. [ her voice unsteady. ] I'm so angry.
[ there's a tremble in her person as like her voice. she hasn't decided if she's grieving for something she hasn't even lost yet or if she's shaking from just the pure rage she feels inside of her. ]
I hate this place. I want to find the source of it all and rip its very core out. [ she tugs on her pants and looks down at her knees. ] He didn't do anything.
I understand. I'm frustrated, too. (Sorry he was out of commission, Izumo. Maybe if he could have done more to help...) We really messed up this time and someone who doesn't deserve it has to pay the price. That isn't fair.
[ could have claude saved us from the fuckin disaster that was that entire trial? who knows....but upset is a word. a mess is a better word for all of the anger that she had just moments before seems to slip away. ]
I... I guess. [ her shoulder sagging as anger is replaced by something else. ] I never thought about it until now.
[ she shrinks into herself and just like that, from seething rage, to curling up into a ball with her legs tucked against her chest. ]
(The answer is no because I'm reading the trial and oh boi what a mess.
Shifting from kneeling down in front of her to just sitting on the floor, his legs crossed and his hands holding onto his knees as he watches her curl into herself,)
Sometimes it can't be helped. (Says Claude von Riegan who usually keeps people at a distance in his own way, ) You show up with a plan but then you meet people and those plans change.
Have you spoken to him? He isn't going to be here.
(Their time is limited. If she's close enough to Kano that she can feel like this, perhaps her time is best spent with him instead of Claude.)
[ she laughs once but her laugh is humorless and self-depreciating. claude doesn't have this lore (properly) but the opportunity is there if he wants to take a bite. otherwise she'll just look blankly in front of her. ]
But I did; I just finished speaking to him just before I came here.
[ and, honestly, it's why she's here in the first place. sometimes your feet takes you to weird places when you're just out of your mind with too many thoughts that all conflict and are a general mess. ]
I've never lost anyone before so I can't really relate to what you're feeling.
(Hear him out, he's going somewhere with this,)
I've just never really had anyone until recently. For a long time, it was just me and my parents. I didn't really have any friends. The closest thing I had was probably my combat instructor but that's not really the same, y'know? Everyone else just hated me. I never had to worry about anyone else because I was always busy looking out for myself. I didn't really have friends 'til I came to Fodlan and it's mostly because I hid a lot of things from them... became a whole new person for them.
I kind of like this version of me-- or, well, I like parts of it. But that doesn't change the fact that it's not really me. Some of it's real but a lot of it is an act. (HE'S FESSING UP TO IZUMO, even if not in great detail,) Or maybe most of it's real and some of it's an act... I don't really know anymore. I never really planned for any of this to happen so I'm figuring it out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... we can't control everything. Sometimes things just happen and you can embrace it or push it away. Neither one is easier or more difficult than the either. They each come with their own weight and you have to decide how much you want to carry.
at first, izumo doesn't understand what triggered claude to just dump this stuff onto her while she was already feeling like a mess, but then she kept listening. rather, he kept talking and she had no choice but to listen and the more he spoke then the more that she understood.
it's funny to know that some of this she could understand because some of it was things she did. it was unfortunate in the irony but one she knew of. a liar can typically spot a liar. it's while she'll look to claude ruefully. ]
I've always been a liar. [ a few stray tears roll down her face. ] I've never shown my true self to anyone—even to the person I said only mattered to me.
[ she'll lower her gaze again, this time looking at her the space between them. ]
(Oh, no. He really doesn't know what to do with her and he leans forward, shifting onto his knees so he can reach out to wipe at her face with his hands.
He doesn't like it. He hates seeing others cry but right now, it's just Izumo,)
Then you don't have to. (From one liar to another,) But if you want to try, we can practice together. One step at a time.
(She doesn't have to look at him but he'll focus on her, his attention undivided.)
[ the hand on her face is not unpleasant and it honestly just causes her to cry a bit more. there's something wrong about the tenderness while everything inside her hurts. it's all very confusing but she laughs while sniffling and with a hiccup. but, at least, she will look up at him...albeit very cautiously. crying this much can't be a good look for her. ]
How do I start? How do I know this won't end like all of the others? [ others? there have been so many others. have there been more that she had forgotten? she... if she wanted to be honest, she should explain herself...right? ] Anytime I—
[ she opens up, something bad happens. but something bad is already happening isn't it? something destroying her in a way she didn't realize could happen. ]
My kimono is still here, right? I bet Kano kept it. [ her voice wobbles as she forces out some humor into it. ] I hate; I want it destroyed.
[ so what if this means she's at the mercy of the realm to provide her clothes? it's fine. ]
The secret behind it, is that it was my death card. I was wearing that while walking to my death. [ she looks down again. ] Nothing I do here matters.
You won't know but if you keep looking away, you'll miss out on all of the opportunities in front of you.
(It's why he always moves forward. Why he chose to leave his home for what he thought would have been a better place. It wasn't. It was exactly the same as the old place. But he'd gained so much from being there, he would never take it back.
His expression drops, eyes wide with some surprise when he finds out what she'd been doing before she arrived here. He'd asked her back then but she hadn't told him. She wouldn't tell him. He figured it must have been something difficult giving the state she was in when she arrived but to hear this, it makes him feel...
Sad.)
You're alive right now and back there, you aren't dead yet. As long as you're alive, there's still hope. You can still fight, even if it's to the end. Don't give up on yourself.
[ she knows he's trying to cheer her up—to motivate her—it's what happened the first time everything came to the surface and snapped the final thread holding all of her control together. that ended poorly and this would be no different as izumo laughs bitterly as stray tears keep falling from her eyes. ]
I said I was dying before I brought here, didn't I? [ the wounds on her hands and face, all minor from the way her skin had been far worse. ] I was being possessed by a powerful demon and there's no hope of me being able to control it. When I go back, I'll be devoured by it.
[ there's a calmness in her voice with the way she says it. she's come to accept it. whatever possible futures might lay before her (promised by someone else) wasn't what was waiting for her. ...and even if fox won—she wouldn't use the wish on herself. ]
(Maybe it's ridiculous. He knows how ridiculous it sounds but he still has conviction.)
Where I'm from... there's a certain blessing. Only a few people have it and by having it, we're granted certain privileges. ("Us" meaning he's one of those people,) When I take my grandfather's place, I'll inherit our family treasure... a Hero's Relic. Most people would be ecstatic to have the power it gives but not too long ago, I learned another side about that power. It can change you... consume you until you're nothing but a monster and there's evidence that having that blessing might not be enough.
So I want to find a way to prevent that-- not just for my own interests but to protect the people I care about. I've seen people come back from impossible things, proving that anything is possible. If I can help you too, then I want to. As long as you're alive-- as long as you're here-- there's hope.
[ it's...nice to finally hear more about claude and the more he speaks the more she was right to assume they had a lot in common. fortunately, it's not like looking into a mirror. she couldn't bare to see someone else who looked like her here. unfortunately, though, is how his words fall on deaf ears. almost literally. she could get angry—she got angry—when someone else was so insistent on shoving hope in her face, but she's so tired. ]
You saw my hands. You've seen my face. [ she'll bring her hands up as a reminder of the wounds he saw. ] It was worse than that. Much worse.
[ there hadn't been any mirrors in that room to confirm but she knew what her insides felt like, her mind, her hands... the feeling of everything rotting away. the demon eating her from the inside out. again, she laughs humorlessly. ]
I've lost my blessing. [ the very thing that defined her and her family for generations. ] ...and even if I didn't, that demon isn't anything anyone can control. While I'm here, I'll do what there is to be done, but there's nothing waiting for me.
(He's quiet, letting her answer sit with him for a while. When he's had his time and he's ready once more, he moves, reaching to hold her hands in both of his firmly.
There's something important to her. Something she can't leave behind even if it means facing certain death. Their similarities are great but there are places where they differ.
(A boy in a foreign land, fighting for his life, willing to leave everything behind for a better future.))
I know when I can't win a fight. (He speaks quietly. She's convicted and perhaps today more than ever, it won't be easy to reason with her.) I won't press it anymore but I want you to know this:
(He leans forward, pressing his forehead to the top of hers,)
[ the silence is almost taken a sign of understanding as izumo thinks that he'd have given up on her (even though she knows it isn't the case). then, of course, he speaks and she's almost validated until she hears how he still believes in her. it makes her laugh and a few more tears fall from her face.
how many people will keep saying this to her, and how many more times will she have to reject them? the feeling of his hands on her's and his their head's touching feel surreal. ]
There's nothing to believe in.
[ however, hesitantly, she gives his hand a weak squeeze. ]
...but keep trusting me when I say that I want to know what's going on here. I want to know the truth and stop these murders.
[ unfortunately, no, this is not one of those things that izumo will get over with some nice words. or, well, not as things are currently. she looks over towards kano's bed and then to the ground in front of her.
she feels as though she has overstayed her welcome by a lot and there's an uneasiness in her chest now. somethings were said but then there was some that wasn't. hm. still... ]
I'll stay here for a while.
[ she'll take back one of her hands to use the back side of her arm to wipe her face. ]
...just until I start to feel sick from being separated for too long. [ at the same time— ] Will it be okay for you?
[ an empty room. one that used to be filled with someone who was far from silent. (as far as she knew.) ]
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wk 1; saturday
so, this trial was a complete shitshow but only towards the end. the beginning didn't seem so bad. sure, they had plenty of evidence and got hyper focused on things that didn't seem to matter. they convicted someone who was not only innocent but actually helpful in his own way. she ran into one terrible memory into another terrible memory....
she hates it. she hated it so much. ( but of course she had to go see kano. )
izumo will be red in the face and a mess of tears that she doesn't even bother wiping away anymore as she stands outside of kano's ( and claude's ) room like some fool. it doesn't matter. she's a mess and hasn't been honest about anything. she doesn't even know why she's here when she can't get in. ]
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It isn't a surprise that he wouldn't show up right away. It's no secret that Claude has his relations and he gets around a bit. He wasn't too far away though so it doesn't take long for him to show up. He sees Izumo and he slows, quieting his steps and wondering if this is one of those situations where he should turn around and pretend he didn't see anything (while remembering that he did).
But if she's in front of their door, she must want something so he steps forward, placing one hand on her shoulder and reaching over to open the door for her. )
Come inside.
(Like he's giving her a choice... because he's already gently pushing her inside, giving her shoulder a squeeze.)
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she's still sniffling uselessly for a moment before she speaks up. she had wanted to say something before all of this. meant to talk to him about other things but now they all just seem either too important but not important enough to compete against the most recent news. ]
I'm sorry. I... I just came here.
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(He doesn't really have anything for her to use to wipe her face with and honestly, he thinks fussing so much might make things worse. Instead, he just gently guides her over towards his pod, sliding away whatever screen or curtain is in place and tries to get her to sit.)
Do you wanna talk? (He'll just crouch down in front of her, giving her space,) It's alright if you don't want to.
("It's okay if you just want to cry.")
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I don't even know what I want to say. [ her voice unsteady. ] I'm so angry.
[ there's a tremble in her person as like her voice. she hasn't decided if she's grieving for something she hasn't even lost yet or if she's shaking from just the pure rage she feels inside of her. ]
I hate this place. I want to find the source of it all and rip its very core out. [ she tugs on her pants and looks down at her knees. ] He didn't do anything.
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Were you close with him?
(She's so upset.)
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I... I guess. [ her shoulder sagging as anger is replaced by something else. ] I never thought about it until now.
[ she shrinks into herself and just like that, from seething rage, to curling up into a ball with her legs tucked against her chest. ]
It's not like I try to get close to people.
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Shifting from kneeling down in front of her to just sitting on the floor, his legs crossed and his hands holding onto his knees as he watches her curl into herself,)
Sometimes it can't be helped. (Says Claude von Riegan who usually keeps people at a distance in his own way, ) You show up with a plan but then you meet people and those plans change.
Have you spoken to him? He isn't going to be here.
(Their time is limited. If she's close enough to Kano that she can feel like this, perhaps her time is best spent with him instead of Claude.)
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[ she laughs once but her laugh is humorless and self-depreciating. claude doesn't have this lore (properly) but the opportunity is there if he wants to take a bite. otherwise she'll just look blankly in front of her. ]
But I did; I just finished speaking to him just before I came here.
[ and, honestly, it's why she's here in the first place. sometimes your feet takes you to weird places when you're just out of your mind with too many thoughts that all conflict and are a general mess. ]
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(Hear him out, he's going somewhere with this,)
I've just never really had anyone until recently. For a long time, it was just me and my parents. I didn't really have any friends. The closest thing I had was probably my combat instructor but that's not really the same, y'know? Everyone else just hated me. I never had to worry about anyone else because I was always busy looking out for myself. I didn't really have friends 'til I came to Fodlan and it's mostly because I hid a lot of things from them... became a whole new person for them.
I kind of like this version of me-- or, well, I like parts of it. But that doesn't change the fact that it's not really me. Some of it's real but a lot of it is an act. (HE'S FESSING UP TO IZUMO, even if not in great detail,) Or maybe most of it's real and some of it's an act... I don't really know anymore. I never really planned for any of this to happen so I'm figuring it out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... we can't control everything. Sometimes things just happen and you can embrace it or push it away. Neither one is easier or more difficult than the either. They each come with their own weight and you have to decide how much you want to carry.
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at first, izumo doesn't understand what triggered claude to just dump this stuff onto her while she was already feeling like a mess, but then she kept listening. rather, he kept talking and she had no choice but to listen and the more he spoke then the more that she understood.
it's funny to know that some of this she could understand because some of it was things she did. it was unfortunate in the irony but one she knew of. a liar can typically spot a liar. it's while she'll look to claude ruefully. ]
I've always been a liar. [ a few stray tears roll down her face. ] I've never shown my true self to anyone—even to the person I said only mattered to me.
[ she'll lower her gaze again, this time looking at her the space between them. ]
Even now, I can't tell the truth.
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He doesn't like it. He hates seeing others cry but right now, it's just Izumo,)
Then you don't have to. (From one liar to another,) But if you want to try, we can practice together. One step at a time.
(She doesn't have to look at him but he'll focus on her, his attention undivided.)
I'm listening.
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How do I start? How do I know this won't end like all of the others? [ others? there have been so many others. have there been more that she had forgotten? she... if she wanted to be honest, she should explain herself...right? ] Anytime I—
[ she opens up, something bad happens. but something bad is already happening isn't it? something destroying her in a way she didn't realize could happen. ]
My kimono is still here, right? I bet Kano kept it. [ her voice wobbles as she forces out some humor into it. ] I hate; I want it destroyed.
[ so what if this means she's at the mercy of the realm to provide her clothes? it's fine. ]
The secret behind it, is that it was my death card. I was wearing that while walking to my death. [ she looks down again. ] Nothing I do here matters.
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(It's why he always moves forward. Why he chose to leave his home for what he thought would have been a better place. It wasn't. It was exactly the same as the old place. But he'd gained so much from being there, he would never take it back.
His expression drops, eyes wide with some surprise when he finds out what she'd been doing before she arrived here. He'd asked her back then but she hadn't told him. She wouldn't tell him. He figured it must have been something difficult giving the state she was in when she arrived but to hear this, it makes him feel...
Sad.)
You're alive right now and back there, you aren't dead yet. As long as you're alive, there's still hope. You can still fight, even if it's to the end. Don't give up on yourself.
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I said I was dying before I brought here, didn't I? [ the wounds on her hands and face, all minor from the way her skin had been far worse. ] I was being possessed by a powerful demon and there's no hope of me being able to control it. When I go back, I'll be devoured by it.
[ there's a calmness in her voice with the way she says it. she's come to accept it. whatever possible futures might lay before her (promised by someone else) wasn't what was waiting for her. ...and even if fox won—she wouldn't use the wish on herself. ]
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(Maybe it's ridiculous. He knows how ridiculous it sounds but he still has conviction.)
Where I'm from... there's a certain blessing. Only a few people have it and by having it, we're granted certain privileges. ("Us" meaning he's one of those people,) When I take my grandfather's place, I'll inherit our family treasure... a Hero's Relic. Most people would be ecstatic to have the power it gives but not too long ago, I learned another side about that power. It can change you... consume you until you're nothing but a monster and there's evidence that having that blessing might not be enough.
So I want to find a way to prevent that-- not just for my own interests but to protect the people I care about. I've seen people come back from impossible things, proving that anything is possible. If I can help you too, then I want to. As long as you're alive-- as long as you're here-- there's hope.
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You saw my hands. You've seen my face. [ she'll bring her hands up as a reminder of the wounds he saw. ] It was worse than that. Much worse.
[ there hadn't been any mirrors in that room to confirm but she knew what her insides felt like, her mind, her hands... the feeling of everything rotting away. the demon eating her from the inside out. again, she laughs humorlessly. ]
I've lost my blessing. [ the very thing that defined her and her family for generations. ] ...and even if I didn't, that demon isn't anything anyone can control. While I'm here, I'll do what there is to be done, but there's nothing waiting for me.
[ this was the new conviction that she found. ]
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... If you go back home, do you truly believe it's the end?
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I do.
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(Would that help?)
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[ because even as selfish as she is, there is still someone more important than her life. ]
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(He's quiet, letting her answer sit with him for a while. When he's had his time and he's ready once more, he moves, reaching to hold her hands in both of his firmly.
There's something important to her. Something she can't leave behind even if it means facing certain death. Their similarities are great but there are places where they differ.
(A boy in a foreign land, fighting for his life, willing to leave everything behind for a better future.))
I know when I can't win a fight. (He speaks quietly. She's convicted and perhaps today more than ever, it won't be easy to reason with her.) I won't press it anymore but I want you to know this:
(He leans forward, pressing his forehead to the top of hers,)
I believe in you.
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how many people will keep saying this to her, and how many more times will she have to reject them? the feeling of his hands on her's and his their head's touching feel surreal. ]
There's nothing to believe in.
[ however, hesitantly, she gives his hand a weak squeeze. ]
...but keep trusting me when I say that I want to know what's going on here. I want to know the truth and stop these murders.
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Right.
(Sadly, and he leans back, giving her space once more. There's no winning this fight. Not today.)
You can stay if you want.
(Is there anything else she wants to say? Ah, but isn't it strange when Kano's bed is right there?)
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she feels as though she has overstayed her welcome by a lot and there's an uneasiness in her chest now. somethings were said but then there was some that wasn't. hm. still... ]
I'll stay here for a while.
[ she'll take back one of her hands to use the back side of her arm to wipe her face. ]
...just until I start to feel sick from being separated for too long. [ at the same time— ] Will it be okay for you?
[ an empty room. one that used to be filled with someone who was far from silent. (as far as she knew.) ]
(no subject)