(He's quiet for a moment, considering his answer before replying,)
No, and yes. The first time, I didn't know anything either. The second time, I'd already found out.
After I spoke to Fox the first time, I met someone who knew what was happening and they told me they knew how to stop it. Like Shima, their leader had told them to kill someone that week. Someone was putting a strain on the Realm that would spread to others. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told told to in the first place.
[ she. really doesn't like where this is going...and honestly hope she's going to be wrong with the next point. ]
You're making it sound like you knew the killer we were looking for that week then. [ is this what she's hearing? ] That, in a way, you helped them get away with it.
I didn't help them. (Not actively, at least. He was useless at the trial for ooc reasons and hadn't done anything. But he knows that doing nothing can be the same as doing something.) I wasn't in any condition to help anyone at the trial.
(It would be easy to lie. To say he didn't know until after the fact but--)
There were two killers that week and I knew one of them.
[ she's reading between the lines and seeing exactly what is transpiring before. this is a confession of sorts. this is the weight he has been carrying for a while, clearly. he was perfectly fine holding these secrets close to his chest as he watched her suffer.
her struggle, the way that she allowed this place dig deeper into her insecurities and fears as it was impossible for her to defend against it... her voice is perfectly pleasant when she speaks. ]
(It is a confession. That's exactly what this is.)
I don't... like lying to you. (Because he likes her. He really does and watching each week break her down, betray her, take her down... the way everything from that second trial keeps coming back. Kano, Kano. ) And after everything that's happened, you deserve to know sooner than later. Everything keeps coming back to that week and it's only a matter of time before it all just comes out.
If I'd known things were going to turn out like this, I never would have gotten as close to you as I have. That's the truth.
[ if there's an answer the comes to mind, it has to wait as she raises her hand to his face to slap it has hard as she can, palm open and aiming right in the middle of his face. no hiding whatever she bruises with that.
she'll go from being silent and "pleasant" to a whip crack and near blinding fury in an instant. he should know better. he saw how terrified she was to open up to anyone. the fact that they told each other to stop lying to one another? what a joke.
the salt on the already festering would was how he admits that he wouldn't have ever gotten closer to her. truly disgusting. she knew it was wrong to trust someone like him and yet— ]
Oh now you grow a guilty conscience about what's been happening?
[ she'll still have her hand raised for another...something as he hand clenches into a fist. sure, she's no brute when it comes to raw strength but it doesn't mean she doesn't know how to hit someone to make it hurt. she didn't go to a normal school (if she could remember it). ]
Did it make it easier for you to sleep at night knowing that you said the right words when you did? Sooth your mind to know that as long as I was fine that you could keep up the lie? [ she feels disgusted. her skin crawls. ] An innocent person died because of you—!
[ her hand trembles from the pent up fury that she feels. right here. right here in front of her was the very person who knew one of the right answers. something could have saved an innocent person instead of a murderer. of course—though—it's the matter of sacrificing what's means nothing to you over what's important to you. izumo's painfully aware of that and it just makes her angrier. ]
(He takes the hit and stumbles back, hand instinctively reaching to hold the spot, now stinging, burning, and pulsing on his face. He's certainly endured worse in battles before but this... really stings. )
I've been trying to tell you for a while but things kept happening. Getting worse.
(The way the entire removal went down. Hikaru's stone. Shima's actions. Whenever it seemed like it would be okay to say something, something else came up. Something was always coming up, bringing up that week, keeping him in an uncomfortable, growing lie,)
I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were but pretending... that was cruel. I've been cruel. I didn't want to do that but I did and I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough and I can't begin to make up for it...
[ as she processes his response, she slowly lowers her hand to his side. her hand is still clenched into a fist as she speaks. this time the anger being pushed back into an emotionless calm. or worse, her anger reaching a point where's all she feels. anger and disgust. ]
I don't want an apology from someone like you.
[ she knows, as she says the next words that come to her, she's no better. if it was between someone else and her treasure? ]
Hearing those words coming from your mouth make me sick. How dare you apologize for something that you'd do again? You don't feel bad for what you've done. You only feel bad for what its done to me.
[ whether it's her ego speaking or not, but it's clear that he didn't like how it was affecting her. in all of his words, it didn't sound he ever felt bad for what he had done. no, it was her. those were the feelings that he was concerned with. ]
(Between someone he barely knew and someone important to him... It wasn't that easy. No, there were other factors. The person he knew was guilty and the person he didn't know was innocent. There were people here he was responsible for and people he wasn't. People here he needed and people he didn't. And no matter which option he would have chosen, none of them would have been satisfactory. All of them would have gone wrong in some way.
Or maybe not. Considering how this Realm works.
But he hadn't known it at the time. And he can't take back what he's done. )
... Yes, I would do it again. (Maybe not every single time. If he was given the option to turn back time again and again, maybe he would try another option here or there. But more times than once, he would do it again.) Given a hundred times in that same moment, I would do a hundred things differently but still do the same thing more than once.
(He can admit that. He would sacrifice Kano and avoid Izumo. He would sacrifice Kano and never come back to the topic ever again if he could help it. He would sacrifice [that person] and go after someone else in return. He would offer another name instead. He could do a hundred different things.
And not one of them would have been satisfactory in the end.)
I do feel guilt over what I did but I don't regret it, not completely. I made my choice and I have to live with it. But you... I said things that I truly meant-- I trust you-- but because of all this, they're just meaningless. Even when I try to say the truth, it's just a lie because I know what I've done.
[ the strange duality in his words is something that izumo has trouble handling, if mainly because she doesn't care to listen to him try to explain himself. she's all too familiar with the types who are good at running their mouths and how that can get them out of trouble. oh, yeah, she's aware of them. but the thing is here—what is it that he wants to accomplish with this?
yes, he wants his confession. he wants to cleanse his mind of the mistakes that he has made and the repercussions of them but? what is the point of it..? her eyes narrow at him as he tells her, again, that he trusts her and that how his truths will be seen as lies due to his actions.
...really. what is it that he hopes to accomplish with all of this? ]
(What does he want? He doesn't answer immediately.
Forgiveness? He'd never expect it. Nothing? Then why bother explaining himself? Her hate? He could handle it but to say he actually wants that would be a lie.)
I don't know.
(Sometimes you can plot a hundred different paths and still not have any idea of the end. )
But whatever you decide to give, I'll live with it.
this again. it's strange to find herself on this side of the stage once again with someone else who seemed to be all too open to allowing her to define their "relationship". she didn't have an answer for them and she sure doesn't have an answer here. rather, there's only one answer that she can give that absolves her of any kind of responsibility one way or another. ]
Then I'll leave you to live with your mistakes. [ her words cold and detached. ] You knew exactly what you did while you were doing it.
[ something that he has made perfectly clear to her. he was well aware of what he was doing and even though things kept getting in his way to explain them.... what was the saying? where's the will, there's a way. ]
...and that's all you deserve.
[ he gets no forgiveness, he gets no further acknowledgement, he gets...nothing. all he's allowed is his own knowledge of what he has done with nothing from her. she has seen you, claude von riegan, and while it wasn't never the picture of a charming noble that others fool themselves with, she never thought she'd see this part. ]
(Ah, there's a chill in the air that shakes him and a weight that settles when she gives her decision.
Yes. So this is what he lives with from now on. The consequences for his actions and lack of actions that brought this whole situation onto them. )
Got it.
(He accepts it. It's not like he has a choice. )
You don't have to believe anything I say... But I'm not giving up. I'm still going to find a way out of this situation and I'm going to try to fix what I can. It'll never make things right but if I can make things at least a little more right... then I'll keep working with others here. You should, too.
(Even if it isn't with him. But he's just going to take the first step back and away because he's Claude von Riegan and well, he knows when to run away and retreat.)
[ when she sees him retreat from him, she sees just another side of him that she can't help but wonder how many others actually see. seeing the way he just exits things when they're less than favorable is one thing but to see him back away from her like this?
a few words come to mind for her. none of them are particularly kind and none of them are traits that a lord or a noble should exemplify if they wanted to be seen in a good light. (or maybe there could be another interpretation done here... a different perspective, but that's not the one she's sharing at the moment.)
ultimately, she doesn't stop him and does him a single favor. (is it a favor?) and takes away the option of him retreating and instead turns heel on her own and walks off. she'd wish him luck in figuring out things or even "fixing" them but she doesn't have the heart for it.
oh, no; there's nothing left of her heart for one claude von riegan. foolish as she was to think that she could ever find a spot for him among her scars. instead what she finds herself is yet another reason to continue as she has always. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(That much, they can definitely agree on.)
I can ask around. Elsa seems to know a bit and we're staying together this week.
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[ sometimes all it takes is being mocked once to swear off all others. ]
But you do that. I'll...try to do what I can do.
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(He closes his eyes,)
I can't get any read on some of them. I've mostly been talking to Fox, though.
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[ izumo; fox or bust. ]
That's really all about I've learned so far. Well, aside from confirming everything that Shima told me.
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About the corrupted nova and Fox telling him to remove the source of it?
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Yeah, all of that.
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... It's not the first time I've heard of it. Do you remember the day I kept losing memories?
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I do.
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I asked Fox about what was happening but they didn't know anything at the time.
(So Claude found out from somewhere else.)
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[ carefully now? ...or not. ]
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No, and yes. The first time, I didn't know anything either. The second time, I'd already found out.
After I spoke to Fox the first time, I met someone who knew what was happening and they told me they knew how to stop it. Like Shima, their leader had told them to kill someone that week. Someone was putting a strain on the Realm that would spread to others. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told told to in the first place.
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You're making it sound like you knew the killer we were looking for that week then. [ is this what she's hearing? ] That, in a way, you helped them get away with it.
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for ooc reasonsand hadn't done anything. But he knows that doing nothing can be the same as doing something.) I wasn't in any condition to help anyone at the trial.(It would be easy to lie. To say he didn't know until after the fact but--)
There were two killers that week and I knew one of them.
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her struggle, the way that she allowed this place dig deeper into her insecurities and fears as it was impossible for her to defend against it... her voice is perfectly pleasant when she speaks. ]
Tell me Claude. Why are you telling me this now?
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(It is a confession. That's exactly what this is.)
I don't... like lying to you. (Because he likes her. He really does and watching each week break her down, betray her, take her down... the way everything from that second trial keeps coming back. Kano, Kano. ) And after everything that's happened, you deserve to know sooner than later. Everything keeps coming back to that week and it's only a matter of time before it all just comes out.
If I'd known things were going to turn out like this, I never would have gotten as close to you as I have. That's the truth.
/2
she'll go from being silent and "pleasant" to a whip crack and near blinding fury in an instant. he should know better. he saw how terrified she was to open up to anyone. the fact that they told each other to stop lying to one another? what a joke.
the salt on the already festering would was how he admits that he wouldn't have ever gotten closer to her. truly disgusting. she knew it was wrong to trust someone like him and yet— ]
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[ she'll still have her hand raised for another...something as he hand clenches into a fist. sure, she's no brute when it comes to raw strength but it doesn't mean she doesn't know how to hit someone to make it hurt. she didn't go to a normal school (if she could remember it). ]
Did it make it easier for you to sleep at night knowing that you said the right words when you did? Sooth your mind to know that as long as I was fine that you could keep up the lie? [ she feels disgusted. her skin crawls. ] An innocent person died because of you—!
[ her hand trembles from the pent up fury that she feels. right here. right here in front of her was the very person who knew one of the right answers. something could have saved an innocent person instead of a murderer. of course—though—it's the matter of sacrificing what's means nothing to you over what's important to you. izumo's painfully aware of that and it just makes her angrier. ]
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I've been trying to tell you for a while but things kept happening. Getting worse.
(The way the entire removal went down. Hikaru's stone. Shima's actions. Whenever it seemed like it would be okay to say something, something else came up. Something was always coming up, bringing up that week, keeping him in an uncomfortable, growing lie,)
I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were but pretending... that was cruel. I've been cruel. I didn't want to do that but I did and I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough and I can't begin to make up for it...
(An innocent person is dead.)
I know.
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I don't want an apology from someone like you.
[ she knows, as she says the next words that come to her, she's no better. if it was between someone else and her treasure? ]
Hearing those words coming from your mouth make me sick. How dare you apologize for something that you'd do again? You don't feel bad for what you've done. You only feel bad for what its done to me.
[ whether it's her ego speaking or not, but it's clear that he didn't like how it was affecting her. in all of his words, it didn't sound he ever felt bad for what he had done. no, it was her. those were the feelings that he was concerned with. ]
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Or maybe not. Considering how this Realm works.
But he hadn't known it at the time. And he can't take back what he's done. )
... Yes, I would do it again. (Maybe not every single time. If he was given the option to turn back time again and again, maybe he would try another option here or there. But more times than once, he would do it again.) Given a hundred times in that same moment, I would do a hundred things differently but still do the same thing more than once.
(He can admit that. He would sacrifice Kano and avoid Izumo. He would sacrifice Kano and never come back to the topic ever again if he could help it. He would sacrifice [that person] and go after someone else in return. He would offer another name instead. He could do a hundred different things.
And not one of them would have been satisfactory in the end.)
I do feel guilt over what I did but I don't regret it, not completely. I made my choice and I have to live with it. But you... I said things that I truly meant-- I trust you-- but because of all this, they're just meaningless. Even when I try to say the truth, it's just a lie because I know what I've done.
And you don't deserve that.
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yes, he wants his confession. he wants to cleanse his mind of the mistakes that he has made and the repercussions of them but? what is the point of it..? her eyes narrow at him as he tells her, again, that he trusts her and that how his truths will be seen as lies due to his actions.
...really. what is it that he hopes to accomplish with all of this? ]
What would you want from me after all of this?
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Forgiveness? He'd never expect it.
Nothing? Then why bother explaining himself?
Her hate? He could handle it but to say he actually wants that would be a lie.)
I don't know.
(Sometimes you can plot a hundred different paths and still not have any idea of the end. )
But whatever you decide to give, I'll live with it.
(The same he does with everything else.)
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this again. it's strange to find herself on this side of the stage once again with someone else who seemed to be all too open to allowing her to define their "relationship". she didn't have an answer for them and she sure doesn't have an answer here. rather, there's only one answer that she can give that absolves her of any kind of responsibility one way or another. ]
Then I'll leave you to live with your mistakes. [ her words cold and detached. ] You knew exactly what you did while you were doing it.
[ something that he has made perfectly clear to her. he was well aware of what he was doing and even though things kept getting in his way to explain them.... what was the saying? where's the will, there's a way. ]
...and that's all you deserve.
[ he gets no forgiveness, he gets no further acknowledgement, he gets...nothing. all he's allowed is his own knowledge of what he has done with nothing from her. she has seen you, claude von riegan, and while it wasn't never the picture of a charming noble that others fool themselves with, she never thought she'd see this part. ]
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Yes. So this is what he lives with from now on. The consequences for his actions and lack of actions that brought this whole situation onto them. )
Got it.
(He accepts it. It's not like he has a choice. )
You don't have to believe anything I say... But I'm not giving up. I'm still going to find a way out of this situation and I'm going to try to fix what I can. It'll never make things right but if I can make things at least a little more right... then I'll keep working with others here. You should, too.
(Even if it isn't with him. But he's just going to take the first step back and away because he's Claude von Riegan and well, he knows when to run away and retreat.)
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a few words come to mind for her. none of them are particularly kind and none of them are traits that a lord or a noble should exemplify if they wanted to be seen in a good light. (or maybe there could be another interpretation done here... a different perspective, but that's not the one she's sharing at the moment.)
ultimately, she doesn't stop him and does him a single favor. (is it a favor?) and takes away the option of him retreating and instead turns heel on her own and walks off. she'd wish him luck in figuring out things or even "fixing" them but she doesn't have the heart for it.
oh, no; there's nothing left of her heart for one claude von riegan. foolish as she was to think that she could ever find a spot for him among her scars. instead what she finds herself is yet another reason to continue as she has always. ]