[ she. didn't want to get her hopes too high for that. honestly? the fact that she's been wanting to communicate with them in her own way just makes it feel surreal.
but she shakes her head. ]
No, not that one, but there was a report that one of the groups that came back bloodied found. It was an ordinary harmless report but...
[ her voice trails a bit. ]
It was written by Fox; they didn't remember writing it, of course, but maybe what's happening now has happened before.
(He's quiet for a moment, considering his answer before replying,)
No, and yes. The first time, I didn't know anything either. The second time, I'd already found out.
After I spoke to Fox the first time, I met someone who knew what was happening and they told me they knew how to stop it. Like Shima, their leader had told them to kill someone that week. Someone was putting a strain on the Realm that would spread to others. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told told to in the first place.
[ she. really doesn't like where this is going...and honestly hope she's going to be wrong with the next point. ]
You're making it sound like you knew the killer we were looking for that week then. [ is this what she's hearing? ] That, in a way, you helped them get away with it.
I didn't help them. (Not actively, at least. He was useless at the trial for ooc reasons and hadn't done anything. But he knows that doing nothing can be the same as doing something.) I wasn't in any condition to help anyone at the trial.
(It would be easy to lie. To say he didn't know until after the fact but--)
There were two killers that week and I knew one of them.
[ she's reading between the lines and seeing exactly what is transpiring before. this is a confession of sorts. this is the weight he has been carrying for a while, clearly. he was perfectly fine holding these secrets close to his chest as he watched her suffer.
her struggle, the way that she allowed this place dig deeper into her insecurities and fears as it was impossible for her to defend against it... her voice is perfectly pleasant when she speaks. ]
(It is a confession. That's exactly what this is.)
I don't... like lying to you. (Because he likes her. He really does and watching each week break her down, betray her, take her down... the way everything from that second trial keeps coming back. Kano, Kano. ) And after everything that's happened, you deserve to know sooner than later. Everything keeps coming back to that week and it's only a matter of time before it all just comes out.
If I'd known things were going to turn out like this, I never would have gotten as close to you as I have. That's the truth.
[ if there's an answer the comes to mind, it has to wait as she raises her hand to his face to slap it has hard as she can, palm open and aiming right in the middle of his face. no hiding whatever she bruises with that.
she'll go from being silent and "pleasant" to a whip crack and near blinding fury in an instant. he should know better. he saw how terrified she was to open up to anyone. the fact that they told each other to stop lying to one another? what a joke.
the salt on the already festering would was how he admits that he wouldn't have ever gotten closer to her. truly disgusting. she knew it was wrong to trust someone like him and yet— ]
Oh now you grow a guilty conscience about what's been happening?
[ she'll still have her hand raised for another...something as he hand clenches into a fist. sure, she's no brute when it comes to raw strength but it doesn't mean she doesn't know how to hit someone to make it hurt. she didn't go to a normal school (if she could remember it). ]
Did it make it easier for you to sleep at night knowing that you said the right words when you did? Sooth your mind to know that as long as I was fine that you could keep up the lie? [ she feels disgusted. her skin crawls. ] An innocent person died because of you—!
[ her hand trembles from the pent up fury that she feels. right here. right here in front of her was the very person who knew one of the right answers. something could have saved an innocent person instead of a murderer. of course—though—it's the matter of sacrificing what's means nothing to you over what's important to you. izumo's painfully aware of that and it just makes her angrier. ]
(He takes the hit and stumbles back, hand instinctively reaching to hold the spot, now stinging, burning, and pulsing on his face. He's certainly endured worse in battles before but this... really stings. )
I've been trying to tell you for a while but things kept happening. Getting worse.
(The way the entire removal went down. Hikaru's stone. Shima's actions. Whenever it seemed like it would be okay to say something, something else came up. Something was always coming up, bringing up that week, keeping him in an uncomfortable, growing lie,)
I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were but pretending... that was cruel. I've been cruel. I didn't want to do that but I did and I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough and I can't begin to make up for it...
[ as she processes his response, she slowly lowers her hand to his side. her hand is still clenched into a fist as she speaks. this time the anger being pushed back into an emotionless calm. or worse, her anger reaching a point where's all she feels. anger and disgust. ]
I don't want an apology from someone like you.
[ she knows, as she says the next words that come to her, she's no better. if it was between someone else and her treasure? ]
Hearing those words coming from your mouth make me sick. How dare you apologize for something that you'd do again? You don't feel bad for what you've done. You only feel bad for what its done to me.
[ whether it's her ego speaking or not, but it's clear that he didn't like how it was affecting her. in all of his words, it didn't sound he ever felt bad for what he had done. no, it was her. those were the feelings that he was concerned with. ]
(Between someone he barely knew and someone important to him... It wasn't that easy. No, there were other factors. The person he knew was guilty and the person he didn't know was innocent. There were people here he was responsible for and people he wasn't. People here he needed and people he didn't. And no matter which option he would have chosen, none of them would have been satisfactory. All of them would have gone wrong in some way.
Or maybe not. Considering how this Realm works.
But he hadn't known it at the time. And he can't take back what he's done. )
... Yes, I would do it again. (Maybe not every single time. If he was given the option to turn back time again and again, maybe he would try another option here or there. But more times than once, he would do it again.) Given a hundred times in that same moment, I would do a hundred things differently but still do the same thing more than once.
(He can admit that. He would sacrifice Kano and avoid Izumo. He would sacrifice Kano and never come back to the topic ever again if he could help it. He would sacrifice [that person] and go after someone else in return. He would offer another name instead. He could do a hundred different things.
And not one of them would have been satisfactory in the end.)
I do feel guilt over what I did but I don't regret it, not completely. I made my choice and I have to live with it. But you... I said things that I truly meant-- I trust you-- but because of all this, they're just meaningless. Even when I try to say the truth, it's just a lie because I know what I've done.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she. didn't want to get her hopes too high for that. honestly? the fact that she's been wanting to communicate with them in her own way just makes it feel surreal.
but she shakes her head. ]
No, not that one, but there was a report that one of the groups that came back bloodied found. It was an ordinary harmless report but...
[ her voice trails a bit. ]
It was written by Fox; they didn't remember writing it, of course, but maybe what's happening now has happened before.
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(BUT UH, that's a twist,)
I might have missed it with everything else that was going on but... you're sure? Fox is sure?
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Yeah, when the person first showed Fox, they didn't want to tell them or confirm it, but when I spoke to Fox about my clue—they brought this up.
I don't think they'd lie about something like this when they're eager to keep our trust.
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All of it is connected some how but it's so scattered, it's impossible to make sense of it all or keep up with everything.
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[ imagine if word got out about the report with someone who was already sus of fox? bad times for everyone. ]
We should definitely learn more but not recklessly.
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(That much, they can definitely agree on.)
I can ask around. Elsa seems to know a bit and we're staying together this week.
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[ sometimes all it takes is being mocked once to swear off all others. ]
But you do that. I'll...try to do what I can do.
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(He closes his eyes,)
I can't get any read on some of them. I've mostly been talking to Fox, though.
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[ izumo; fox or bust. ]
That's really all about I've learned so far. Well, aside from confirming everything that Shima told me.
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About the corrupted nova and Fox telling him to remove the source of it?
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Yeah, all of that.
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... It's not the first time I've heard of it. Do you remember the day I kept losing memories?
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I do.
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I asked Fox about what was happening but they didn't know anything at the time.
(So Claude found out from somewhere else.)
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[ carefully now? ...or not. ]
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No, and yes. The first time, I didn't know anything either. The second time, I'd already found out.
After I spoke to Fox the first time, I met someone who knew what was happening and they told me they knew how to stop it. Like Shima, their leader had told them to kill someone that week. Someone was putting a strain on the Realm that would spread to others. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told told to in the first place.
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You're making it sound like you knew the killer we were looking for that week then. [ is this what she's hearing? ] That, in a way, you helped them get away with it.
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for ooc reasonsand hadn't done anything. But he knows that doing nothing can be the same as doing something.) I wasn't in any condition to help anyone at the trial.(It would be easy to lie. To say he didn't know until after the fact but--)
There were two killers that week and I knew one of them.
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her struggle, the way that she allowed this place dig deeper into her insecurities and fears as it was impossible for her to defend against it... her voice is perfectly pleasant when she speaks. ]
Tell me Claude. Why are you telling me this now?
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(It is a confession. That's exactly what this is.)
I don't... like lying to you. (Because he likes her. He really does and watching each week break her down, betray her, take her down... the way everything from that second trial keeps coming back. Kano, Kano. ) And after everything that's happened, you deserve to know sooner than later. Everything keeps coming back to that week and it's only a matter of time before it all just comes out.
If I'd known things were going to turn out like this, I never would have gotten as close to you as I have. That's the truth.
/2
she'll go from being silent and "pleasant" to a whip crack and near blinding fury in an instant. he should know better. he saw how terrified she was to open up to anyone. the fact that they told each other to stop lying to one another? what a joke.
the salt on the already festering would was how he admits that he wouldn't have ever gotten closer to her. truly disgusting. she knew it was wrong to trust someone like him and yet— ]
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[ she'll still have her hand raised for another...something as he hand clenches into a fist. sure, she's no brute when it comes to raw strength but it doesn't mean she doesn't know how to hit someone to make it hurt. she didn't go to a normal school (if she could remember it). ]
Did it make it easier for you to sleep at night knowing that you said the right words when you did? Sooth your mind to know that as long as I was fine that you could keep up the lie? [ she feels disgusted. her skin crawls. ] An innocent person died because of you—!
[ her hand trembles from the pent up fury that she feels. right here. right here in front of her was the very person who knew one of the right answers. something could have saved an innocent person instead of a murderer. of course—though—it's the matter of sacrificing what's means nothing to you over what's important to you. izumo's painfully aware of that and it just makes her angrier. ]
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I've been trying to tell you for a while but things kept happening. Getting worse.
(The way the entire removal went down. Hikaru's stone. Shima's actions. Whenever it seemed like it would be okay to say something, something else came up. Something was always coming up, bringing up that week, keeping him in an uncomfortable, growing lie,)
I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were but pretending... that was cruel. I've been cruel. I didn't want to do that but I did and I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough and I can't begin to make up for it...
(An innocent person is dead.)
I know.
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I don't want an apology from someone like you.
[ she knows, as she says the next words that come to her, she's no better. if it was between someone else and her treasure? ]
Hearing those words coming from your mouth make me sick. How dare you apologize for something that you'd do again? You don't feel bad for what you've done. You only feel bad for what its done to me.
[ whether it's her ego speaking or not, but it's clear that he didn't like how it was affecting her. in all of his words, it didn't sound he ever felt bad for what he had done. no, it was her. those were the feelings that he was concerned with. ]
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Or maybe not. Considering how this Realm works.
But he hadn't known it at the time. And he can't take back what he's done. )
... Yes, I would do it again. (Maybe not every single time. If he was given the option to turn back time again and again, maybe he would try another option here or there. But more times than once, he would do it again.) Given a hundred times in that same moment, I would do a hundred things differently but still do the same thing more than once.
(He can admit that. He would sacrifice Kano and avoid Izumo. He would sacrifice Kano and never come back to the topic ever again if he could help it. He would sacrifice [that person] and go after someone else in return. He would offer another name instead. He could do a hundred different things.
And not one of them would have been satisfactory in the end.)
I do feel guilt over what I did but I don't regret it, not completely. I made my choice and I have to live with it. But you... I said things that I truly meant-- I trust you-- but because of all this, they're just meaningless. Even when I try to say the truth, it's just a lie because I know what I've done.
And you don't deserve that.
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